7/26/07

The Elephant

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

1/13/07

The best blonde joke.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over there and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows he where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a monent, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed... "Lets put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

10/31/06

Skullet

The mullet of all mullets. Thanks to the friend who emailed me this pic.

10/24/06

Pity the fool.

The last time Mr. T. went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

4/1/06

Three Men Charged in 'Dungeon' Castration

CHARLOTTE, N.C.

Three men have been arrested on charges of performing castrations on apparently willing participants in a sadomasochistic "dungeon" in a rural house, authorities said Friday.

"It's extremely bizarre," District Attorney Michael Bonfoey said in a telephone interview. "It's incredible the amount of ways that people can find to run afoul of the law."

Sheriff's investigators said Richard Sciara, 61, Danny Reeves, 49, and Michael Mendez, 60, admitted performing at least eight surgeries, including castrations and testicle replacements, on six consenting clients over the past year. None of the three is licensed to practice medicine, officials said.

The suspects, all residents of the house in Haywood County, in western North Carolina, where the surgeries were allegedly performed, were arrested Thursday. They were being held on $150,000 bond each and could make their first court appearances Monday, Bonfoey said.

The sheriff's office had investigated reports of sadomasochistic acts at the house in 2004, but concluded there was nothing illegal going on because the participants appeared to be willing adults.

Renewed scrutiny, prompted by a citizen who made "strange statements" to Bonfoey, revealed that illegal surgeries were taking place, the prosecutor said.

Detectives who searched the home Wednesday found medical supplies that included scalpels, sutures, bandages, anesthetic and artificial replacement testicles, sheriff's officials said.

Also seized were videotaping equipment, and video recordings of the surgeries, sheriff's officials said. Photos and videos made at the "dungeon" were apparently featured on a locally produced sadomasochistic Web site, officials said.

"This right here beats anything I have ever seen," Sheriff Tom Alexander told the Asheville Citizen-Times, which reported that victims may have come from as far away as South America.

Each man faces 10 felony counts _ five each of castration without malice and conspiracy to commit castration without malice _ as well as eight misdemeanor counts of performing medical acts without a license. Each felony carries a maximum three years and three months in prison, Bonfoey said.

"Assuming that the victims consented to this _ and we don't know that for sure yet _ that doesn't make it a defense," Bonfoey said. "We can't have people who are not medical doctors lopping off limbs and other body parts."

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press

1/15/06

Tortured English

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes in verse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu -- the same as mustard before.

Practice safe eating--always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's too tired.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your excorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taints your and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

1/8/06

Man to serve two months for 'heinous' snowmobile attack on moose

CBC News
A man from Newfoundland and Labrador has received a two-month prison term for charging a moose with a snowmobile and killing it with an axe.

Anthony Norris, 25, of Trinity committed a "horrendous and heinous act," according to provincial court Judge Gloria Harding.

Wildlife investigators said they received a tip days after the moose was killed in March 2005, when a group of people drove snowmobiles and ATVs to a party at a cabin near Indian Bay.

When a moose wandered onto the groomed path, Norris plowed into it several times with his snowmobile until its hind legs were broken, said investigators. Norris then jumped on top of the animal, which put up a struggle to escape.

People in the group decided the moose should be put down because of its injuries. Norris then killed the moose with an axe.

He was convicted of harassing wildlife with a snowmobile and hunting big game without a licence.

After serving his time, Norris will be on probation for two years and be prohibited from hunting for five years.

The judge also ordered Norris to seek counselling.

12/28/05

Care-Bear theme song

Theme Song #1
I wanna be a Care Bear. Oh It will be so great to when I'm a Care Bear
Oh I can hardly wait to be a Care Bear and do the things Care Bears do.
Oh I wanna be a Care Bear Like you! You do?

I'll be like Funshine and make the sunshine
And have heart like Love-a-Lot.
I'll be like Wish Bear and always be there.
We'll be the luckiest bears in Care-a-Lot.

I wanna be a Care Bear and fill the world with love
To be a Care Bear is what I'm dreaming of.
We'll make a great pair. We'll stick together through and through Like glue.

I don't wanna be a cook or a fireman and I don't wanna play trombone in the marching band.
I just wanna be a care Bear Like you! I just wanna be a Care Bear

11/13/05

Jeff Foxworthy on Ontario

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you live in Ontario.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Ontario.If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you live in Ontario.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving aro und the middle of his forehead, you live in Ontario.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,you live in Ontario.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Ontario.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE ONTARIAN:

1. "Vacation" means going South past London forthe weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and then back again.
5. You can drive 110 kph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means London ...
11. Your 1st of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Ontario friends

10/29/05


Posted by Picasa

I am not against Halloween

I'm all for it.

It is the only day of the year where you can go to a hospital dressed as Batman and pray for people without getting arrested.

10/11/05

I always thought there was something cheesy about those French Canadians

Quebec firm abandons lost cheese
Last Updated Mon, 10 Oct 2005 13:50:57 EDT
CBC News

A Quebec cheese company has finally given up on finding $50,000 worth of cheese it sank underwater in an attempt to make it taste better.

Last year, La Fromagerie Boivin dropped 800 kg of cheese into the water of the Saguenay fjord, north of Quebec City.

Letting it sit 50 metres underwater was supposed to produce a cheese that would taste unique, but the company had major trouble finding its sunken cheese.

RELATED STORY: July 28: Bathing cheese raises stink with food agency

Divers and high-tech tracking equipment were used to search for the lost fromage.

"It's a mystery," said master diver Pierre Dufour, who assisted in the hunt. "All we know is that the cheese is no longer where it was left."

The company has given up hope of finding the cheese and is writing off its $50,000 value.

"It got too expensive," said cheesemaker Luc Boivin. "At some point, you can't be crazy."

Even if the cheese had been found, there were doubts about whether it could ever be sold.

In July, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency raised concerns about the sunken cheese. It said Boivin was breaking food safety laws because the cheese hadn't been analyzed at various stages of the aging process. That meant it couldn't be sold through retail outlets.

8/25/05

Secret

Do you think anyone will ever figure out I'm really Elvis?

7/16/05

German Squirrels

Did you know that most Germans have a difficult time pronouncing 'squirrel'?

I don't care either.

6/20/05

Conceit

"I am not conceited. Conceit is a flaw and I don't have any."

David Lyons.

5/29/05

Footwear

Sometimes I wear cheese between my toes when I'm wearing sandals.
That way my feet don't smell weird.

5/1/05

The Homosexual Agenda in the Flintstones

By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 7:30 p.m. ET Feb. 11, 2005

Feb. 8 - The ongoing campaign against alleged gay icons in animated cartoons continued today as a newly formed conservative group demanded that television stations stop broadcasting "The Flintstones" at once.
Harland Devane, leader of the group Focus on the Flintstones, said at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today that his organization was issuing the demand because, "Quite simply, everything about 'The Flintstones' is way too gay."

The conservative activist distributed a memo itemizing over 50 ways in which the self-styled "modern Stone Age family" series promotes homosexuality, but left little doubt that most of his concerns centered on the relationship between the two main characters, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble."Their relationship is more flagrantly homosexual than anything in Oliver Stone's 'Alexander,'" Devane said.

He pointed out that Fred and Barney are virtually inseparable, are never seen wearing pants and live together in the suggestively-named town of Bedrock.He also noted that the two men work together at a quarry wearing hard hats and construction garb, an oblique reference to the construction worker in the classic disco band "The Village People.""Do I believe they are gay icons?" Mr. Devane said. "I abba-dabba-do."

He added that Focus on the Flintstones' efforts will not stop at banning the cartoon series from U.S. television stations, telling reporters that the group is also "taking a close look" at Flintstone-related consumer products such as Flintstone vitamins and cereal.

"We are very uncomfortable with Fruity Pebbles," he said.

4/1/05

Sued By Spammers for $3.8 million!

Man,
Stories like this guy's get my irk up. It's amazing when we live in a world where spammers can find a way to sue YOU--the recipient of their junk mail!

Check out his anti-spamming website that details the story.

In a fast nutshell, he kept asking them to stop, and even after they did, he posted them on the site 'sue a spammer' and then got sued by them for defamation (for calling them spammers), and even after filing the $3.8 million against him for it, still continues to receive their spam mail!

So here's what I'd like you to do if you're reading this. I think this would be funny. Copy the link and post it on your own blog or share it with friends to do the same. Let's share this story all over the place so it spreads as fast as opinions about Terri Shiavo did in the blogosphere. Then, what can this company do? Sue all of us for posting on our blogs this man's story?

3/25/05

Bread and Milk tabs

And you thought your family was weird.

My dad has been collecting all the milk and bread tabs that he finds lying around the kitchen, on the kitchen table or counter, and keeping them in a container on top of our microwave. It's some kind of point he's making about leaving garbage lying around. So now we started putting the tabs for any new loaves of bread we open or bags of milk into that container for him. he didn't appreciate it, oddly enough. So we stopped doing that because he was specifically collecting the ones left lying around.

So now to play with his mind, every morning when I have breakfast I take one of them out of the container and purposely put it on the table or somewhere, so he will find it, and add it to the container thinking we're slobs or whatever he thinks. Sooner or later he'll clue in when he notices that the tabs aren't piling up at all despite how many he believes he's collecting throughout the kitchen.