Thank you for flying Air Canada

Thank you for flying Air Canada. We’d like to go over a few simple rules and guidelines for your trip to feel longer, more unenjoyable and to make sure you will be unable to sleep on the plane.

First, please do not speak to, or ask questions to any of the flight attendants, because each of us are unhappy with the career paths we’ve chosen and none of us are actually people persons. Any attempt to be cordial with us will just be ignored and a dirty look will be given whenever you request anything accompanied by a moan, sigh, or eye rolling.

Please do not follow any one flight attendant’s instructions as to where you can put your luggage, and how the seatbelts work, as another stewardess will be sure to arrive momentarily to give you conflicting instructions. Any attempt to explain yourself that you were just doing what you were told will also be ignored and we will gripe that you don’t listen or follow instructions. We realize we offer conflicting instructions, but like I said, we are unhappy with our career paths, and just enjoy taking it out on our passengers.

Please do not tell us your preferences of drink, as we have over 700 people to get to and couldn’t care less if you’d like Sprite instead of Pepsi. With 700 whiny people telling us they are allergic to carrots or it’s against their religion to eat pork, we’d never get around to feeding all of you before you land. Oh, and please do not think that we’d have the courtesy to wake you up at meal time if you fall asleep. If you fall asleep, that only speeds up our process of feeding every passenger if we have one more person to skip. We know that you paid for this as part of the flight, but we don’t care. We’re Air Canada.

In case of an emergency such as excessive turbulence, the need for a crash landing over the ocean, or the in-flight movie stars any of the following actors; Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell or Gilbert Gottfried--we ask that you remain calm and stay seated. If you do not wish to watch any of the said actors, then the seatbelt can be made into a noose and placed around the neck to facilitate falling asleep.

Should we need to land in the Atlantic Ocean, it’s every man for himself. We at Air Canada have not been trained as to what to do in an emergency landing?especially the stewardesses. They will no longer be merely disinterested in your flying needs, but will now just outright ignore you and will just worry about getting their own oxygen masks on instead of assuring your survival.

Also, we suggest if you are an Anglophone, that you would learn to speak French, the Language Act states that the 10 % of the Canadian population that speak French be catered to way more than the other 90% that don’t. We work long and hard making sure that no French-speaking Canadian feels left out in any way on one of our flights, even if they have never taken the time to learn the English language like they expect of us to learn French. After all, we would hate for our French speaking brothers to be treated as though they were just as equal as the rest of us, and not superior as they really are. We wouldn’t want a flight somewhere to inconvenience them enough that they felt alienated inside their own country, and threaten to separate and form their own country. So please, just learn French and everything will be alright.

Otherwise we hope you enjoy your flight.