Captain's Log , Star date 444555667
We have just finished circling the planet Krypton. The crew of the USS Sappy have finished our 7500 year mission to the Chunky Galaxy. We originally were here on a 4 year mission, but someone accidentally typed too many extra zeros on the keypad when programming our cryogenic sleeping chambers. Now our command post no longer exists and we've lost contact with all the original people we were in touch with back on planet earth. In the earth's place was some kind of strange red substance floating all through outer space instead in large particles.
We sent three of our crew in space suits to try collecting this stuff and running tests on samples of it. After many days and numerous 'round the clock tests, our lab concluded exactly what I had suspected all along--that this substance was indeed strawberry jam. Whether or not this jam had anything to do with the earth's extinction while we were asleep is anyone's guess, but it was good, and we had to get more.
Nobody wanted to go out there, but man that jam was good. Sometimes my insatiable appetite for strawberry jam gets me in trouble as we had our first and only fatality in the newly formed strawberry galaxy of our former home. Why?! Why do I always put my crew in danger? Well, some danger comes with the privilege of being a crew member on board the USS Sappy. A synonym for Sappy is Adventure, so my crew know what to expect.
I just had to have more of that space jam, and none of my crew wanted to go out there and get me some, so I ordered Ensign Chico, lowest in seniority to stop snapping back at me about the dangers of impending comet storms coming our way, and go get me some of that delicious jam! He complied, and while he was outside, we forgot he was still attached to the stren of the ship via an oxygen hose, and a massive storm of comets started hurtling toward the Sappy. We hit warp speed and Chico was dragged through 400 million miles of space at warp speed. It wasn't until my appetite for more jam was unbearable and when I wanted to quench it that I asked about that jam--then it hit me! NO!!!!! Not Chico! How will I look his wife and 15 kids in the eye and tell them about how he died--getting his capatain jam! And it was unfortunate for us, because Chico was the only one who knew how to navigate the ship, so we actually were stuck in outerspace. Oh well, I had first dibs on his phazer, so it wasn't that bad of a loss. Plus, his wife and 15 kids were probably long dead anyway, and he probably had millions of descendants by now somewhere some place in the Galaxy.
Many more are the adventures that I'm sure await the crew and family of the USS Sappy, that I think it best to end here. Many questions arise, like is there life in outer space, and if so, do they like strawberry jam? I sure hope so, cuz I'd like to get some more.
Captain out.
9/11/04
9/8/04
The Jungles of Yukon
Journal Entry 14
I have found a way to write up my notes of our expedition on toilet paper and hope that someday after our trek that maybe somebody would transpose these notes onto the internet for everyone to one day hear....
We've been here in the deserts of Northern Canada for more than ten days. In the last sand storm my watch got broken from the fierce winds and all the sand build up inside of it. So I can only assume it's day 14 now based on the number of nights we've tried sleeping since losing our only fundamental way of telling time with my super cool Batman watch.
We lost Chico in a terrible patch of quicksand on Day 3. It's unfortunate because he was the only one who knew how to operate our compass. Now we will have to guess at our direction. However, hopefully my memory doesn't fail me and that an old Indian proverb I once heard will help us navigate our way north again, it goes "in order to find north, just remember that the bark always grows on the outside of the tree."
It will be so hard to look Chico's wife and 15 kids in the eye when we get back (if that ever happens) and tell her what occured--that we were all playing "keep-away" with his toothbrush and knocked him off a 15 foot cliff into deep sinking sand by accident in the process of such juvenile horseplay. By the time we climbed down there the next day, he was long buried. Oh Chico! Why you and not me!?! At any rate, I had first dibs on his water bottle which came in super handy later on, so it wasn't that bad of a loss.
On day 7 we met the primitive people of (uninteligible). Pronouncing their name involves a lot of "pops" and "clicking" noises. The closest way of pronouncing it is "Beegmakataq" They lived in igloos made out of sand, and they fed us each hamburgers whose meat I don't recall ever tasting before. It turned out to be polar bear meat, and I wound up puking it up, and boy am I ever grateful for Chico's water bottle.
We shared the Gospel with the Beegmakataq people, and discipled them, and by Day 12 they were ready to give as freely as they had received. So we forced them to buy suits and ties, and sent them to the land of Quebec as english teachers. The harvest is ripe but the laborers are too few. Too few....
The batteries to our satellite phone died, and our reserve batteries didn't work as another member of our team used them to play his Nintendo Gameboy. If they ever come up with a Foxes' Book of Martyrs 2, I hope they leave his name out.
There were over 20 of us who started the expedition to the jungles of the Yukon, but due to an intense fight over the true meaning of the word "epiphany", we had a parting of ways. Now just Nathaniel and Superfly are accompanying me. A holy remnant of sorts. Then that is when things became more difficult for what was left of our team. The last of our chocolate rations ran out, and there was not a single sight of animal or plant anywhere. Those blasted big word using punks took all our food when they abandonned us!
At any rate, this just comes with the territory of overseas mission work to reach the unreached and will just give us something interesting to put in the motion picture based on our lives. I hope Jim Caviezel plays my role, and has a nice long ponytail.
I have found a way to write up my notes of our expedition on toilet paper and hope that someday after our trek that maybe somebody would transpose these notes onto the internet for everyone to one day hear....
We've been here in the deserts of Northern Canada for more than ten days. In the last sand storm my watch got broken from the fierce winds and all the sand build up inside of it. So I can only assume it's day 14 now based on the number of nights we've tried sleeping since losing our only fundamental way of telling time with my super cool Batman watch.
We lost Chico in a terrible patch of quicksand on Day 3. It's unfortunate because he was the only one who knew how to operate our compass. Now we will have to guess at our direction. However, hopefully my memory doesn't fail me and that an old Indian proverb I once heard will help us navigate our way north again, it goes "in order to find north, just remember that the bark always grows on the outside of the tree."
It will be so hard to look Chico's wife and 15 kids in the eye when we get back (if that ever happens) and tell her what occured--that we were all playing "keep-away" with his toothbrush and knocked him off a 15 foot cliff into deep sinking sand by accident in the process of such juvenile horseplay. By the time we climbed down there the next day, he was long buried. Oh Chico! Why you and not me!?! At any rate, I had first dibs on his water bottle which came in super handy later on, so it wasn't that bad of a loss.
On day 7 we met the primitive people of (uninteligible). Pronouncing their name involves a lot of "pops" and "clicking" noises. The closest way of pronouncing it is "Beegmakataq" They lived in igloos made out of sand, and they fed us each hamburgers whose meat I don't recall ever tasting before. It turned out to be polar bear meat, and I wound up puking it up, and boy am I ever grateful for Chico's water bottle.
We shared the Gospel with the Beegmakataq people, and discipled them, and by Day 12 they were ready to give as freely as they had received. So we forced them to buy suits and ties, and sent them to the land of Quebec as english teachers. The harvest is ripe but the laborers are too few. Too few....
The batteries to our satellite phone died, and our reserve batteries didn't work as another member of our team used them to play his Nintendo Gameboy. If they ever come up with a Foxes' Book of Martyrs 2, I hope they leave his name out.
There were over 20 of us who started the expedition to the jungles of the Yukon, but due to an intense fight over the true meaning of the word "epiphany", we had a parting of ways. Now just Nathaniel and Superfly are accompanying me. A holy remnant of sorts. Then that is when things became more difficult for what was left of our team. The last of our chocolate rations ran out, and there was not a single sight of animal or plant anywhere. Those blasted big word using punks took all our food when they abandonned us!
At any rate, this just comes with the territory of overseas mission work to reach the unreached and will just give us something interesting to put in the motion picture based on our lives. I hope Jim Caviezel plays my role, and has a nice long ponytail.
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