Ways Life Would Be Different if Canada Ruled the World

1. American dollar? If we're in a good mood, 32 cents Canadian.
   
2. New taste sensation at McDonald's: the McPoutine.
   
3. Guaranteed gold medals for Canada in every Winter Olympic event, dagnabbit!
   
4. Mapmakers would need to order a heck of a lot more pink, that's for sure.
   
5. All the top entertainers and news anchors in the States will be Canadian (no, wait, we're doing that already).
   
6. Federal law requiring more questions about Saskatchewan on Jeopardy!
   
7. New teen drama series on Fox starring Jason Priestley: Rosedale M4W 1T7.
   
8. United Nations disputes solved by best-in-three curling shootouts.
   
9. Non-stop Beachcombers and King of Kensington reruns to show rest of the world that their new Canadian overlords are down-to-earth folks just like them.
   
10. Three words: more street hockey

Again, borrowed from the Canada Page

Nice Doggy 

A Star Trek class

This is too stupid to be true. I never knew there were real die hard trekkies out there that needed to have a university class on Star Trek. Yes it's true.

"Another topic for class discussion will be the "prime directive," the rule dictating that Starfleet officers must not interfere in the development of alien cultures.

O'Conner will bring up Kirk's constant violations of the prime directive, in addition to relating the concept to current U.S. foreign policy."

Check it out for yourself:

Questionaire.

Hey I seldomnly fill these kind of e-mails out, but in the era of blogging I thought what better way to get people to not send them to me than by putting mine on my blog. That way, people can read my answers, and they're online and nobody will have to e-mail me this forward again, but read my answers online. It's the perfect plan.....

1. What time is it ? 11:03pm

2. Name on birth certificate? Stephen George Bremner

3. Nickname? "Bremner"

4. Number of candles on last birthday cake? 1 shaped as the number 23

5. Birthday? 07/27/81

6. Pets? Giraffee, Iguana, koala bear, and 74 cats. I'm a crazy old lady.

7. Hair ? What about it?

8. Piercing? Both ears, and in pre-FIRE days my eyebrow used to be

9. Eyes ? Yes I got a couple of those too.

10. Hometown? The P Dot, aka Peterborough, Ontario

11 .Town you live in now? The P Dot

12. Favourite food ? Variations of pasta and tomato sauce

13. Been to Africa? In my day dreams of starting my own tribe named "Beeg-mak-attaq"

14. Toilet papering house? Oh! Who told you? There's nothing funner than doing in to a car in Canada in winter and spraying the thing with a garden hose so it freezes that way.

15. Love someone so much it made you cry? Since any of them who have could be reading this, the answer is "NO of course not, fairies cry. Babies cry and need their mommies not men".

16. Been in a car accident? Not yet, but I'm looking forward to my first time. Only one time I hit the no speeding sign in my apartment complex b/c i was distracted by my coffee spilling on my feet and tried cleaning it up while I turned that corner

17. Croutons or Bacon Bits? bacon

18. Favourite Day? Canada Day.

19. Favourite Restaurant? Monterey's in Pcola, where you could eat tortilla chips for hours for only 3 bucks! And Lamberts in Foley, AL where they throw rolls at you.

20. Favourite flower? Stupid question.

21. Favourite sport to watch? Hockey (Go Leafs!--oh wait, they're all on strike this season--those greedy athletes)

22. Favourite drink ? Gourmet Coffee

23. Disney or Warner Brothers? I have no idea

24. Favourite ice cream? Uncooked pork swirl

25. Favourite fast food restaurant? Subway

26. Colour of your bedroom carpet? Light grey.

27. How many times did you fail your official drivers' test? None, it was only ten minutes and she didn't even make me parallel park.

28. Before this one who did you get your last e-mail from? The Tibbits' latest missionary e-newsletter

29. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card ? Don't have a credit card, but it would be some kind of Christian bookstore like MorningStar's.

30. What do you do when you're bored? I don't get bored. I pray in tongues, write blogs (www.fierycanadian.blogspot.com for the latest spiritual adventures or testimonies, or www.canadianbacon2.blogspot.com for an outlet for my goofiness) or I memorize Scripture--I don't feel like any of my day goes to waste.

31. Most annoying thing people ask me? "How's it going?" But in passing, without letting me answer. To this I stop people and grab them by the shoulders and proceed to tell them everything new with me.

32. Bedtime? Sometime in the a.m. period of the day.


33. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? Nobody responds when I send these lame e-mails out.

34. Who is the person least likely to respond? Look at my list of people I e-mailed it to and pick any one in particular.

35. Last person you went out for dinner with? My dad after picking me up from the Airport in Toronto called "Markham Station"

36. Favourite T.V. show ? Not that listing them as my favorite means I watch them ALL the time, but I like The Simpsons, Everybody Loves Raymond, and my all-time favorite right now has been a fairly new show on Fox called Arrested Development. To a lesser degree sketch comedies like Saturday Night Live, and also Royal Canadian Air Farce and This Hour Has 22 Minutes on CBC.

37. Ford or Chevy? Whatever you'll give me to drive, I'll take without complaining.

38. Best Friend? I don't have a particular individual one, but a handful I'd pick from that are always there for me, and that I'd do anything for: Paul Pedosiuk, Robert Gordon, Kevin Wilson (all Canadian), or my sister Neeley Herbert, or any of the roomates I just had in NC.

39. Kids? Yes, seven boys and 8 girls

40. Any tattoos? Tatoos are of the devil and I get uptight and mercilessly judge anyone who has one as being unspiritual. 40a) Favorite Tattoo:I have a tatoo of Captain Spock from the old Star Trek TV series tatooed on my retina so I can see him everywhere I go.

41. Work? Currently unemployed as I just arrived back in the country and have not left the house to go job hunting yet.

42. Happy with your life at this point? ABSOLUTELY!!! The steps of a righteous man are ordered.

43. Christmas or Easter? Yes. Those are the two occasions for which I go to church.

44. Like Halloween? Depends. I lean towards the idea something is wrong with having little kids dress up like demons and come knocking on my door wanting candy or money.

45. Favourite Perfume or aftershave? Gilette wild rain aftershave lotion. I'm not a big cologne wearer unless my roomates have a bottle. 47. Any regrets? Not doing as much or having done as much yet for the cause of Christ and a revolution in society as I know to.

48. Favourite radio station? Chaos radio in my hometown (go Rick!)

49. Favourite music? Prophetic worship, hard stuff and U2 music, and Tree63 definitely is up there on my top 5 somewhere.

50. Siblings ? Yes Mike "what?!" Bremner, younger than me

51. Time you finished this e-mail? 11:25

PS If you took all of my answers as serious and not goofy than you really know me less than I thought.

10 Words that sound like "Canada"

1. Enchilada
   
2. Erik Estrada
   
3. Salada
   
4. Ramada
   
5. Yamaha
   
6. Bananarama
   
7. Xanadu
   
8. Grenada
   
9. Chumbawumba
   
10. Pina colada!

Onions

Did you know that some cultures used to use onions as currency?
Man, people are pretty stupid, eh?

Top Ten Questions and Statements said to me while living in the USA

1. “What exactly is Canadian Bacon?"
2. “So…, it’s like cold there, right?”
3. “Who is your president?”
4. “You’re from Canada? Do you know (so-and-so) from (random Canadian city)?”
5. “Yeah, I saw something on TV about that Quebec thing a while back.”
6. “Aren’t you guys British?”
7. “Have you ever been to the Toronto Airport revival?"
8. “Hey! I saw (random Canadian actor/singer) on TV yesterday! He’s Canadian ? I was going to call you.”
9. “Can you say oot and aboot for me? Eh?”
10. “So when are you guys going to join the US?”

Borrowed AND modified from the Canada Page

The Adventures of the Time Travelers

Well, this journal has made it safely into the harddrive of my laptop. Even though technically I wrote it 500 hundred years before computers as we know it were even invented.

I have just gotten back from travelling to the past in the time machine my friends and I made one night using a cardboard box, a lightning rod, a few soda cans and an extension chord, and boy is the world ever a different place than when we left good old 3008. We originally were trying to go back in time to spare our old friend Chico's life, again, and got caught up in some of the goings ons of our worlds' history and wound up preventing Canada from becoming a country.

It all started when our machine took us to Washington D.C. during the war of 1812, because my buddies Superfly and Wolfgang wanted to get pictures of Washington D.C. in pre-industrial era. I've been trying to get Wolfgang to quit smoking for some time now, and I don't know all that was going on but there was this opportunity to take a picture near the Whitehouse real quick before anyone caught us or saw us. While we took about 12-15 pictures with our digital camera from the future, Wolfgang threw his lit cigar away, and it caught some grass on fire. Next thing you know the Whitehouse is on fire, and to this day the Americans blamed the British for it, and the Canadians try claiming it was them and so forth. Well, now you know what really happened, and the reason for the uncertainty is nobody wants to admit it just 'happened', but there'd be a lot of problems if we were found out for our time machine.

Anyway, we travelled further into the future, during the 21st century, and prevented Chico from choking on cheez whiz in his trailor park home. We were all so grateful to have spared his life yet again. And so was his wife and fifteen kids. However, we spoke too soon, as danger and tragedy accompany all of my time and space travels. As we were trying to lift off of the ground and travel forward in time back to our present past, er, something like that--the time traveling machine got stuck in a tree branch. We drew straws as to who would go out onto the limb and hack off the branch in our way, and Chico was the one who drew the smallest straw. While we he was hacking it, I accidentally hit the control switch and the machine took off before Chico could get back in in time, and with one arm hanging on for dear life to the cardboard wall, he turned into a fossil right before our eyes! No! Chico! Why you and not me?! Oh right, he drew the smallest straw--nevermind. How am I ever going to look your wife and fifteen kids in the eye--again!? Oh well, with one less person the weight pressure put on the cardboard floor was lessened, so we took off a lot easier into the sky.

Well time is running short, maybe I won't get to share about what happened with Canada after all, but trust me, it was never meant to be America's 51st state or the monkey on America's back--trust me, in an alternate timeline Canada IS a country prior to us messing around in the past with this time machine.

Americans all wish they could be Canadian.

I know my American friends think I'm a very patriotic Canadian, and I simply tell them "No, I'm not. I'm just glad I'm not American." That's how most Canadians feel. Then I have my Canadian friends who think I'd rather be American. Which is simply not true either. I'd rather live in America because it's warmer. In Canada you can only go east and west, and if you go North it gets way colder than I already can't stand. Whereas in the U.S. you have Florida, and North Carolina, and Alabama. Interesting cultures.

And I like it because there's still a smidget of religious morality left, unlike Canada where it's now illegal to quote the Bible to say anything is wrong with homosexuality. (Has anyone tried pushing the limit on that one and seeing what happens?)

It seems Americans don't know anything about the world except how it pertains to America. If something were going on elsewhere, they wouldn't know it because it doesn't mean anything to them. However, the rest of the world, especially their neighbors to the north, know more that's going on in America than they do Canada. Why? Because Canada is a boring country with nothing of worldwide importance going on. Let's face it, we're a European country located in North America.

I've heard several times in recent months how America supposedly won the Second World War by itself. Excuse me? What history books are you reading? Have you ever heard of Dieppe for an example of Canadian contribution to such a piece of history? Or how Canada had been fighting in it for two years before Pearl Harbor was bombed--and then you guys joined? But the rest of the world tolerates this revisionist history, and that's fine. Also, anyone claiming America could just invade Canada and take us over--though I pretty much agree and welcome it (that way I'd never have a hard time crossing the border again, AND I could stay a Canadian citizen!) do some research. See the two times in history you ever took us on, and how we kicked your butt, and in one case burned your White House Down (ever paid attention to the lyrics of the anthem you sing?)

Anyway. I came across an article and it made me laugh out loud hysterically, and hopefully it will with you too! I know Canadians reading this will just roll their eyes and say "It figures about those yankees", and Americans will read this not having any idea what I'm talking about (Figures about those yankees!). But if America is so great, and answers to no one, and can start wars with other countries just because she feels like it and has the power, then why do they want to travel abroad pretending to be Canadian? Why not be proud to be American? It takes no guts whatsoever to wave your flag inside your own country when there's no threat to you for it, but why not plaster your country's flag on your bag when travelling abroad INSTEAD of pretending you're Canadian? That's like wearing a Christian T-shirt to church but not your workplace or school where it was designed to be worn.

Could it be that the Canadian people have a better reputation on the international scene that you want to ride? I'm not saying Canada is the greatest country in the world or nothing, but I'm just proud to be a Canadian after living in the US in a post 9/11 world. I'd love to stay here, but I'd never renounce my Canadian citizenship for the world. Even if God told me to, I'd beg him to reconsider and "let this cup pass from me".

And if the yankees are so proud to be American that they want to pretend they're Canadian while traveling abroad, go right ahead. It just proves my theory that I've been saying for three years now--that Americans are secrety envious of Canada.

Peace out.
Canada Steve

Thought of the day

Did you know that fish can drown?
Do you care?

Neither do I.

Senator Kerry playing with a kid 

Trailer Park Poetry

(Inspired by the blog "My Life as a Missionary to the Trailer Park" )
By Cave Man

In a land that seems at time ineffable
I scurry to pen this poem in such an hour
As to bring understanding to a place not so ethical
Yet with pious intentions I will speak and not cower
Last night I heard voices from outside the port-a potty
Different noises of a likening I have never heard before
So my own foolishness brought me to inquire
Of a rooting and ranting behind a trailer house door
As I approached to see what it could be
A mob of half shirted beer bellies tackled me
I awoke the next morning in this guy Chico’s bed
And in that trailer and I saw about 15 heads
I staggered like a crippled beggar bruised and blue
I smelled a nauseating stench
As Big Mama Pump cooked up some pigeon stew
All across the kitchen floor slept the boxers of bananas
This is the life of those who live in the trailer parks of Arkansas
The sun now awake from its slumber
So I thought I would go to the forest to gather some lumber
The breeze was pleasant, the smell was poignant
Life here’s not so bitter, I am starting to enjoy it
But I spoke too soon, from the park I heard a boom
A silent storm of some seriousness stretched me to conclude
It was that man, Joe Bob, dancing in the nude
The neighbors yelling, calling him quaint
Yet this my first convert, the towns only saint
What’s going on my teaching’s not so great
Well one thing I’ve learned from all this
God says be patient in Barhill and wait
And in your trials relax and don’t faint

My life as a missionary to a trailer park in Arkansas

Day 57
I'm finally making inroads with the people of Barnhill. I'm so glad my labor has not been in vain. Bubba is finally coming over mid-afternoon for a Bible study and has officially forsaken watching Jerry Springer at that hour. Most of the people in this village watch the show because they all know the guests personally who appear on it.

I've been living with a family and their extended relatives in a trailer for the entire time I've been here. It's the only vehicle they have on their property that has wheels. Joe Bob walks his son to school everyday. They bond really well during their walks, and I think when Billy Bob gets saved, he will use that time wisely to share the ways of the Lord with his son. That and they discuss the homework since father and son are both in the same grade at school.

Every morning is rough waking up to the smell of possum and pigeon casserole as most of the people here eat for breakfast. The most popular place to eat at is the Road kill cafe.

Most of the kids are looking for things to do. If it weren't for the gospel, they'd all be causing trouble and tipping over port-a-potty outhouses while their elders are in them.

It wasn't easy at first making connections with these people. And over a week ago we had our first fatality. A bunch of us were playing 'keep-away' with Chico's sneakers and threw them up on an electrical wire. He got a ladder and leaned it against a wall to avoid the wire while he was getting them, however, I saw some change underneath it and went to pick it up. In the process I accidentally banged my head on the third or fourth rung, shaking it and it began to tip, and the ladder touched the live wire and Chico was electrocuted, and fell into a big puddle of mud where the possum began to eat him. No, Chico! Why you and not me! How will I look his wife and 15 kids in the eye and tell them how he died? Oh well, playing keep-away made for some good bonding time with the locals.

The land of Barnhill, AK has proven to be quite a cultural experience, as most of the people watch the show COPS because they were on it the week before. Also, this is a weird culture in that people are not surprised or fazed when cops enter their house.

I haven't seen any converts yet. But I'm sure my labor is not in vain, as I keep sowing and sowing I know the harvest is just waiting to happen. Maybe I can hand out tracts this Friday at the local family reunion dance that the Smiths in town will all be attending in order to pick up lasses. So far I have not judged their ways at all, however, I have a tremendous heart to see this people saved, buy a suit and tie and evangelize Hollywood. Praise God. They say that vision is the only way to get yourself through the dry times. I focus on this goal in order to make it through these tough times.

Captain's Blog

Captain's Log , Star date 444555667

We have just finished circling the planet Krypton. The crew of the USS Sappy have finished our 7500 year mission to the Chunky Galaxy. We originally were here on a 4 year mission, but someone accidentally typed too many extra zeros on the keypad when programming our cryogenic sleeping chambers. Now our command post no longer exists and we've lost contact with all the original people we were in touch with back on planet earth. In the earth's place was some kind of strange red substance floating all through outer space instead in large particles.

We sent three of our crew in space suits to try collecting this stuff and running tests on samples of it. After many days and numerous 'round the clock tests, our lab concluded exactly what I had suspected all along--that this substance was indeed strawberry jam. Whether or not this jam had anything to do with the earth's extinction while we were asleep is anyone's guess, but it was good, and we had to get more.

Nobody wanted to go out there, but man that jam was good. Sometimes my insatiable appetite for strawberry jam gets me in trouble as we had our first and only fatality in the newly formed strawberry galaxy of our former home. Why?! Why do I always put my crew in danger? Well, some danger comes with the privilege of being a crew member on board the USS Sappy. A synonym for Sappy is Adventure, so my crew know what to expect.

I just had to have more of that space jam, and none of my crew wanted to go out there and get me some, so I ordered Ensign Chico, lowest in seniority to stop snapping back at me about the dangers of impending comet storms coming our way, and go get me some of that delicious jam! He complied, and while he was outside, we forgot he was still attached to the stren of the ship via an oxygen hose, and a massive storm of comets started hurtling toward the Sappy. We hit warp speed and Chico was dragged through 400 million miles of space at warp speed. It wasn't until my appetite for more jam was unbearable and when I wanted to quench it that I asked about that jam--then it hit me! NO!!!!! Not Chico! How will I look his wife and 15 kids in the eye and tell them about how he died--getting his capatain jam! And it was unfortunate for us, because Chico was the only one who knew how to navigate the ship, so we actually were stuck in outerspace. Oh well, I had first dibs on his phazer, so it wasn't that bad of a loss. Plus, his wife and 15 kids were probably long dead anyway, and he probably had millions of descendants by now somewhere some place in the Galaxy.

Many more are the adventures that I'm sure await the crew and family of the USS Sappy, that I think it best to end here. Many questions arise, like is there life in outer space, and if so, do they like strawberry jam? I sure hope so, cuz I'd like to get some more.

Captain out.

Kerry Waffles

http://www.nationalreview.com/kerry/waffles.asp

The Jungles of Yukon

Journal Entry 14

I have found a way to write up my notes of our expedition on toilet paper and hope that someday after our trek that maybe somebody would transpose these notes onto the internet for everyone to one day hear....

We've been here in the deserts of Northern Canada for more than ten days. In the last sand storm my watch got broken from the fierce winds and all the sand build up inside of it. So I can only assume it's day 14 now based on the number of nights we've tried sleeping since losing our only fundamental way of telling time with my super cool Batman watch.

We lost Chico in a terrible patch of quicksand on Day 3. It's unfortunate because he was the only one who knew how to operate our compass. Now we will have to guess at our direction. However, hopefully my memory doesn't fail me and that an old Indian proverb I once heard will help us navigate our way north again, it goes "in order to find north, just remember that the bark always grows on the outside of the tree."
It will be so hard to look Chico's wife and 15 kids in the eye when we get back (if that ever happens) and tell her what occured--that we were all playing "keep-away" with his toothbrush and knocked him off a 15 foot cliff into deep sinking sand by accident in the process of such juvenile horseplay. By the time we climbed down there the next day, he was long buried. Oh Chico! Why you and not me!?! At any rate, I had first dibs on his water bottle which came in super handy later on, so it wasn't that bad of a loss.

On day 7 we met the primitive people of (uninteligible). Pronouncing their name involves a lot of "pops" and "clicking" noises. The closest way of pronouncing it is "Beegmakataq" They lived in igloos made out of sand, and they fed us each hamburgers whose meat I don't recall ever tasting before. It turned out to be polar bear meat, and I wound up puking it up, and boy am I ever grateful for Chico's water bottle.
We shared the Gospel with the Beegmakataq people, and discipled them, and by Day 12 they were ready to give as freely as they had received. So we forced them to buy suits and ties, and sent them to the land of Quebec as english teachers. The harvest is ripe but the laborers are too few. Too few....

The batteries to our satellite phone died, and our reserve batteries didn't work as another member of our team used them to play his Nintendo Gameboy. If they ever come up with a Foxes' Book of Martyrs 2, I hope they leave his name out.

There were over 20 of us who started the expedition to the jungles of the Yukon, but due to an intense fight over the true meaning of the word "epiphany", we had a parting of ways. Now just Nathaniel and Superfly are accompanying me. A holy remnant of sorts. Then that is when things became more difficult for what was left of our team. The last of our chocolate rations ran out, and there was not a single sight of animal or plant anywhere. Those blasted big word using punks took all our food when they abandonned us!

At any rate, this just comes with the territory of overseas mission work to reach the unreached and will just give us something interesting to put in the motion picture based on our lives. I hope Jim Caviezel plays my role, and has a nice long ponytail.